SHOW 76: Truck Toilet Horn / 1hr 2min / January 11, 2012

Kris and David endorse cereals, hack the Twitter character set, explore euphemisms on television shows, speak the language of adulthood, and plumb the meanings of names.

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@phogan The Olympic amateur caveat is actually a mistranslation of the original Greek, which disqualified the god of a sport from participating #tmh

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@abigcat some people are in a state of perpetual yawning. its a real disorder. #TMH 

@EffervescentG Some people do not actually have faces. They are just two backs of a head walking around. One of them has a ponytail. #TMH 

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@Bradleybugman Instead on an “@”, I use a small, well-trained worm. #tmh 

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@JPLC If echo-y muffling means bathroom, what about the Charlie Brown parents? #TMH

@robynneblume @JPLC The parents never left the bathroom, and that’s why we never saw them. It makes perfect sense! #tmh 

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@hawkeyewr #tmh Charlie Brown is actually about a small community of ESL children growing up. 

@Bradleybugman The children speak English and the parents speak brass orchestra. #tmh 

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@rkarl10 #tmh Reginald Veljohnson was the cop in Die Hard 

@cephalopod_gal Carl Winslow! He was also in Ghostbusters! Reggie VelJohnson YEAH. #tmh

@Kouban He doesn’t even know he’s an actor; he thinks he’s an actual cop who’s staking out all of these Hollywood sets. #tmh

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@medscholaradaml White people always start raps with “my name is [name] and I’m a [rhymes with name]” #tmh

@medscholaradaml “My name is Adam and I’m no madam, I’ve got more beats than your great aunt… [rhymes with Adam]” #tmh

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 @Zaidyer #tmh The mind of Kris Straub is like a rusty sieve with holes punched through it.

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@DE_Craig Next time on #TMH, we discuss where Sam kept the ladder on Clarissa Explains it All.

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@jplaub Well, at least I was here for the last, confusing 3 minutes. #tmh

Graphic by @thisisfalacci — click for bigger

SHOW 75: A Receding Horizon of Perfection / 1hr 18min / March 22, 2011

In the series finale of Tweet Me Harder, Kris and David revitalize the -trix suffix for all professions, explain their own fathers’ podcast catastrophes, explain what keeps corpses from floating off into the atmosphere, and finally close the causality loop.

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@JPLC The Docktrix: A cut of the Matrix in which leather is replaced with Dockers. #tmh

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@Albedo12 I like those acronyms that have a lowercase letter in them, like “CHiPs”. There’s something apologetic about them. #tmh

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@theggerus Hawaii is an island chain. So you’ll need some metal cutters to explore it all. #tmh

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@richmagahiz A smart moonshiner should have labelled his jugs with XXXI to gain an edge #tmh

@dtthelegend #tmh do hipsters write “thirty” on their jugs of booze?

@Kouban moonshine jugs were originally used to play Tic-Tac-Toe, but X always won, so it turned into a code. #tmh

@Albedo12 MMM Moonshine was much tastier #tmh

@CSpain_design The most effective tonic to cure a moonshine hangover is anything from a jug labelled “OOO” #tmh

@frostyplum @Albedo12 PPP moonshine generally ended up in a puddle against the wall. #tmh

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@Trogluddite @tweethard I suspect the garage fire occurred in an attempt to Podcast by Smoke Signal. Very dangerous #TMH

@sekelsky @tweethard #tmh My dad has boxes and boxes of old records… it must be archives of everyone’s dad’s podcasts.

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@Hamiltwan How sure are we that David and Kris are not actually unknowing kidnapping victims? #TMH

@frostyplum @tweethard I don’t think kidnapped men will be as apt to take on sophisticated conversation subjects. #tmh

@rkarl10 @frostyplum “so, how about that space program?” “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” “well, that’s an interesting stance…” #tmh

@ignorant_genius Popular topics for this new podcast: “where are we?”, “please feed us”, “I miss my family”, and “*grows silently*”. #tmh

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@CSpain_design They say puberty can occur at different ages for different people, but really it’s just when you’ve had your 9th memorable experience #tmh

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@Trogluddite @tweethard Malky … and they even forgot the Bang! #TMH

@latimagic @tweethard David Malky ? is spelled with a questionmark. #tmh

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@thisisfalacci whoa @Malki! you’re the original “I Like Turtles” kid #tmh

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@CSpain_design The real reason for weighing bodies down is because the government wanted to crack down on gangs of teen corpse-surfers #tmh

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@neoeo A tender thought: your loved ones encased in graffiti-strewn highway dividers. #TMH

@jjackunrau @tweethard This is the best podcast to listen to before my grandma’s funeral on Friday. #noonewillwanttohearallmynewfacts #tmh

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@kcbanner #tmh This show exists: http://bit.ly/hWLhAq they have 100s of episodes of them microwaving things.

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@richmagahiz @malki Dancing is just dodgeball without the ball #tmh

@benedz #tmh tap dance a morse code rap battle

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@Trogluddite @tweethard The last episode of TMH coincides well with the end of my court mandated Podcast listenership #TMH

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@Hamiltwan As David and Kris stole #tmh from tweeting my heart, so shall Total Muscled Haberdashery take is when tweeting is no longer hard #tmh

@StevenFC #TMH 75, Passed March 22nd, 2011, surrounded by friends and family. It leaves behind two hosts and three webcomics. It will be missed.

@latimagic @tweethard Wait, Tallahassee Memorial Hospital is ending? #tmh

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(Full tweet list)

TMH SERIES FINALE: March 22, 2011!

Join us right here on Tuesday, 7pmP/10pmE, for the TMH Series Finale! And between now and then, leave us a voicemail at (864) 64-TWEET to let us know what you’d like us to do on the big show. We’ll do it, no matter what!!!*

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* may not do it no matter what

SHOW 68: Rhubarb Ahoy / 49min / November 6, 2010

Kris and David broadcast LIVE from the 2010 New England Webcomics Weekend after passing the audio signal through the voice box of an abandoned Russian submarine and letting a squirrel sit on it for a while.

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@robynneblume Every lightningmas I go outside in a metal suit and hold up an umbrella, and just stand like that for an hour. Take that, believers! #tmh

@ashleywr @robynneblume what are you going to say next that Back To The Future isn’t possible? Lightning is REAL! #tmh

@robynneblume @ashleywr BttF is SCIENCE FICTION. Just because it is AWESOME it doesn’t mean it’s REALISTIC. #tmh

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@Sekelsky @tweethard #tmh Kris just wears the burlap sacks from the brocolli he buys

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@Kouban It should really be called “I can’t believe I’M not butter!” Products that talk to the consumer are more popular #tmh

@Hamiltwan I Want to Believe (that it is butter) #TMH

@Albedo12 I Can Quite Easily Believe It’s Not Butter #tmh

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@Albedo12 Kris is The Font Whisperer #tmh

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@ThisIsBenSilver With alchemy, we could turn all this Mislead into MisGOLD! #TMH #NEWW

@Albedo12 The accordion was created through Weird Al-chemy #tmh

@Kouban The accordion was invented by a blacksmith who wanted to be a musician. #tmh

@caldy Accordians were originally just a clever way to destroy snakes. #TMH

@docsigma Bagpipes are the severed reproductive organs of an accordion. #TMH

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@nebadger My mom is listening and ashamed of us all #tmh

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@Kouban Even when #tmh is disastrous, it’s fantastic.

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@jellybeansniper When is TMH over, anyways? I’m probably gonna sit in my car until then.

TMH BONUS: Cutting Room Floor / 35min

In this collection of deleted bits from prior Tweet Me Harder episodes, Kris and David make the perfect sound effect, defend their parking preferences, comment on the President, and flee from the law.

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SHOW 74: Great Grand-Doctor / 1hr 0min / January 21, 2011

Kris and David raise children in a webcam-equipped dungeon, make every snapshot a prize-winning piece of journalism, abandon soap for good, learn what makes the best rodeo clowns so good, and grow dinosaurs in their sinuses.

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@AdamRB The future of cameras is in free, disposable models that automatically inserts product placement into your photos. #tmh

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@KevinGMiller “I can’t wait til this guy leaves; he’s an Impatient.” #tmh

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@ignorant_genius Im still at work and completely ignorant of whats going on, but I totally agree with Kris on this one. #tmh #tweetingblind

SHOW 73: Collectible Cracker Game / 54min / January 5, 2011

Kris and David discover why marbles went out of fashion, realize exactly what the snack-food industry has long been hoping that someone would, use stock-car racing to make important scientific discoveries, and tell the waiter to “hold the magnets, please!” 

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@Albedo12 HIgh performance stock cars are called boullion cars. #tmh

@Kouban There’s also Stack Cars, which have lego-like protrusions on the top. #tmh

@thisisfalacci Then there’s Stick Cars, a variation on pick-up sticks #tmh

@JPLC And also Stahck Cars, the cheap imitations that never fit together well with other Stack Cars. #tmh

@Kouban In a heavy snow, there are an amazing number of Stuck Cars. #tmh

@CSpain_design Not to mention Stark Cars, the cars owned by Tony Stark #tmh

@Kouban And of course, if a skunk gets in, you have a Stink Car. #tmh #TooManyHorriblepuns

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@medscholaradaml Marbles evolved into Pogs which evolved into Pokemon which evolved into Charizard #tmh

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@Kouban A Chipwich is a pog of ice cream between two cookie slammers. #TMH

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@cSpain_Design iPhone is to marbles what Flat Earth is to Regular Earth #tmh

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@CSpain_design All this newfangled dietary advice. I prefer the more old-fashioned method of keeping warm by just eating coal #tmh #Iwasateenagesteamengine

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@thisisfalacci that was fun, but I am now unsure if I should seek or avoid iron #tmh

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FULL TWEET LIST FOR TMH73

SHOW 72: Shout the Lights On / 1hr 12min / December 8, 2010

Kris and David try for the full sensory cycle with this rousing discussion of smell-tuba concerts, advances in home illumination, the best way to sneak out of jail, incredibly intuitive explanations for global warming, and how to get to know your neighbors. Plus, David describes his past as an art forger.

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@Lawlborough Obotrombophonobonuba: Legendary musical instrument. Some say, FORBIDDEN. #tmh

@ginbucketfish @Lawlborough It’s secrets are protected by the Instrumenati #tmh

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@Cake_uh_bowski I think to notate this they should draw the object that the music should smell like on staff paper #tmh

@ignorant_genius @Cake_uh_bowski “No, you need a cheese sharp there, you did old-sock flat.” #tmh

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@ginbucketfish If you align a dyson fan and a dyson vacuum, you’ll have created the god particle #tmh

@medscholaradaml Little known fact: Dyson is working with scientists at CERN to create a hand-held Large Hadron Collider as a cleaning tool #tmh

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@squeekzoid Listening to #tmh for the first time. What is this, a BS contest?

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@ignorant_genius The best art is always obtuse and unpleasant to the uninitiated. #tmh

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FULL TMH72 TWEETS LIST

SHOW 71: Unfrozen Caveman Vampire / 1hr 1min / December 2, 2010

Kris and David reveal the elaborate plots of the undead, spend time alone in their room with carpet samples, write a bestselling book to blow tweens’ minds, and endure relationship problems stemming from being a fish-man and a werewolf respectively.

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@premisebeach Murder is never off the table, or at least not this table, because it’s made of grenades and plague rats. #tmh

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@Hamiltwan I’m from Philadelphia, biting the person in front of you at sporting events is expected, regardless of falling balls #tmh

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@Bradleybugman Beach balls driving people into the sand like stakes! …or was that a cartoon I saw? #tmh

@Inanimatecarbon @Bradleybugman that was a film strip in science class. “Beach Balls: Harmless plaything or SPHERE OF TERROR?!” #TMH

@Paulius1981 @Inanimatecarbon I remember it as ‘Sphere o’ Fear’ #tmh

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@robynneblume Vampires make the best historians, because they actually lived through the things they write about in history books. #tmh

@fauxfrog @robynneblume Unfortunately, they’re very bias reporters. #tmh

@robynneblume @fauxfrog And that’s why there’s no historical evidence of vampires. They’re writing the documents used to disprove their existence! #tmh

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@thisisfalacci The 7 #tmh topics, blood, dreams, lightning, hot dogs, technology, dogs, and windows.

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@frostyplum @tweethard think about how demigods are made. is Zeus putting the moves on robots now? #tmh

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@Trogluddite Rocking back and forth in the dark is the best part of being a child! #tmh

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@ginbucketfish E-harmony needs a problem matching service #tmh

@JohnEton the one is a vampire the other a van helsing thats a whacky relationship we all know whats for dinner steak AHAHAHA ZING #tmh

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@ginbucketfish G. R. Maybeyoullkissaboy famous tween author #tmh

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@TweetingMyHeart There are times that I miss you so much it hurts. #TMH

SHOW 70: Why Are You So Problem / 1hr 2min / November 23, 2010

Kris and David compare products to their marketing, make everything out of potatoes, and in Ask Me Harder, determine the best joint for macaroni, probe the sleep of the genders, and isolate the Dorito spice.

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@robynneblume Malki and Straub have different wavelengths, so they resolve in different places when viewed through a prism. #tmh

@JessePB @robynneblume Hair redshifts in a prism so the goatee streaks across Malki’s face forming a beard. #tmh

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@Bradleybugman Cats are always plotting something nefarious. They are extremely poor at following through with lofty plans, though #becausetheyarecats #tmh

@Kouban @Bradleybugman Whenever a cat kills someone, they take great pains to make it look like an accident. #tmh

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@richmagahiz Potatoes have to spend six months underground because they offended the god of the underworld #tmh

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@Paulius1981 @richmagahiz They tried tetris shaped macaroni, but part of it vanishes when put in the bowl #tmh

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@richmagahiz For bland diets, sprinkle your food with Nullspice #tmh

@Bradleybugman Cinémon: Gotta spice em all. #tmh #seasonalprogramming

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@TweetingMyHeart I know you don’t love me. But it’s not like I can control how I feel. #TMH

SHOW 69: Large Hot Dog Collider / 54min / November 18, 2010

Kris and David crack the code of hobby horse classification, bodily organs of a different kind, designer bacon, Deaf Coca-Cola, and bring it all home with hot dogs.

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@DegMcE: #tmh Hobby horses were invented so children could reenact the Battle of Troy

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@cSpain_Design: We need more rocking horses that rock from side to side, to provide much-needed simulations of riding a drunk horse #tmh

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@thisisfalacci Tips for a romantic first date: sew some pants out of other pants! #tmh

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@hugparty so that’s why all Asians play musical instruments and are good at math. huh. #tmh

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@richmagahiz Why don’t they make hotdogs with a liquid core made of mustard? #tmh

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@ignorant_genius You can’t burn the impurities out of a hot dog. You’ll have literally nothing left. #tmh

SHOW 67: Cesium Lick / 1hr 11min / November 2, 2010

Kris and David create a sham conservatory for diseased wild animals, examine the quantum state of stuntmen, find the best seats in the movie theater, decry foreign languages, peer into buildings, and compare notes with Kevin McShane regarding the events of the last few weeks.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Epilogue

@Samanthaa93 I’ve listened to every #TMH ever made, EVER!!! But this is my first live listen, woo! :)

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@ShinyJim It turns out it was all a metaphor - the blood was the manager’s saliva. Also, turns out Kris is an autistic dog #tmh

@dtthelegend ok so now its like the bourne identity but with sandwiches! #tmh

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@richmagahiz @BigShoesPlease It’s like they’re playing dodgeball with Kris as the ball #tmh

@fauxfrog THROW CHAIRS #tmh

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@thisisfalacci But seriously guys every time @malki attempts to make the accordion sound, an angel gets its wings #tmh

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@Albedo12 I have a soft spot for cushions, just as they have one for me #tmh

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@BigShoesPlease Why x-ray GLASSES? isn’t it time we moved on to x-ray contact lenses? #TMH

@Kouban @BigShoes Please, x-ray contacts are so 80s; we need x-ray LASIK. #tmh

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@hugparty after months of not listening, this was a really weird #tmh to come back to

SHOW 66: Malaria-Induced Machete Murders / 1hr 12min / October 25, 2010

Kris, trapped in a nightmarish foreign problem-hospital, grows increasingly frantic as David thwarts dangers of his own en route to his rescue. Also, a solution for safely fireproofing homes, Kevin McShane steals a helicopter, and we finally learn the Greentown-kroner-to-hotdog exchange rate.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 6

@AdamRB The more Flammable a material, the easier and cheaper it is to make stuff out of it. #tmh

@cganders just try to get by, asbestos you can #tmh

@Paulius1981 Asbestos: Kills you dead and then cremation is not an option #tmh

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@Lawlborough The Ukraine: like Russia, but with more salt and misery #tmh

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@jplaub Tweet Me Harder and the Temple of Doom, and Also Kris is Gone #tmh

@dtthelegend #tmh is the audio version of an amazing James Bond movie with two James Bonds.

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@ignorant_genius #tmh Turn off all lights, stow all cargo, muffle banjos: Malki is set for silent running.

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@srbernard Malki, don’t be a fool! If you were meant to fly, god would’ve given you a hyperjet! #tmh

@robynneblume Hyperjet, useless. Bathroom, Perfect! #tmh

@Bradleybugman @malki I’m pretty sure you can make a makeshift jetpack with an upside-down toilet. #tmh

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@claudedwards Is it wrong that I find this scenario a little creepy? #tmh

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@thisisfalacci OHMYGAWD you guys, this is Kris’s super hero/villain origin story!!!! 

CONTEST TIME - THREE WINNERS WILL APPEAR (AURALLY) IN TMH66!

Hello everyone, David Malki ! here. If you’ve listened to Tweet Me Harder episodes 61 through 65, you know that our old friend Kris is in a heap of trouble. I’m trying my best to save him but I’m about at my wits’ end! I need your help!

Call our Tweetline at (864) 64-TWEET and leave a suggestion for how to rescue Kris. Keep it under 30 seconds as I’ll probably be checking messages from some Godforsaken foxhole with bullets whizzing everywhere. Sound as good as you can, because this is a contest! I’ll be picking three people to join me in TMH episode 66 - The Dramatic Finale. Start calling now, and make sure to include your Twitter name in the message so I can write back to you if you win.

You have until midnight Pacific on Monday, October 18 to leave your messages. Enter as many times as you like. Honorable mentions may be played on the air, and three clever souls will join me on a suicide mission to save our friend. Let’s go!

UPDATE: THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CALLS, WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED SOON

SHOW 65: Lord of Greentown / 1hr 6min / October 10, 2010

David turns to European drilling-platform sovereign John Allison for clues to Kris’s whereabouts. The two debate the fashion choices of dictators, the sometime necessity of proxy hugging, the importance of choosing one’s stamp-mate, and how many watts of music power TMH can muster.  

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 5

@cSpain_Design You can always mount guns on the hubcaps, like gladiatorial chariot-spikes. That way your shooting-at-things proficiency goes way up. #tmh

@mrorange764 @cSpain_Design then would the guns have to be self leveling? or would you just shoot 360 degrees parallel to your direction of motion? #tmh

@cSpain_Design @mrorange764 I’m thinking several guns per tyre, positioned at 10º intervals. Always firing, all the time, everywhere. #tmh

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@phogan Kris has figured out the Konami Code of geriatric beds #tmh

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@beowuuf @tweethard We Scots need external music to row. Orkney people are stranded without a source of rhythmn. Metronomes are 5 years away #tmh

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@ignorant_genius Sounds like John still believes in lightning. So cute! #tmh

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@cSpain_Design If you’ll excuse me, I have to run around screaming in fear and excitement for a moment. #tmh #aaahh #AAAAAAHH

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@robynneblume Oh man, missed first chunk of #tmh. Hello @badmachinery! Um, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.