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SHOW 71: Unfrozen Caveman Vampire / 1hr 1min / December 2, 2010

Kris and David reveal the elaborate plots of the undead, spend time alone in their room with carpet samples, write a bestselling book to blow tweens’ minds, and endure relationship problems stemming from being a fish-man and a werewolf respectively.

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@premisebeach Murder is never off the table, or at least not this table, because it’s made of grenades and plague rats. #tmh

@Hamiltwan I’m from Philadelphia, biting the person in front of you at sporting events is expected, regardless of falling balls #tmh

@Bradleybugman Beach balls driving people into the sand like stakes! …or was that a cartoon I saw? #tmh

@Inanimatecarbon @Bradleybugman that was a film strip in science class. “Beach Balls: Harmless plaything or SPHERE OF TERROR?!” #TMH

@Paulius1981 @Inanimatecarbon I remember it as ‘Sphere o’ Fear’ #tmh

@robynneblume Vampires make the best historians, because they actually lived through the things they write about in history books. #tmh

@fauxfrog @robynneblume Unfortunately, they’re very bias reporters. #tmh

@robynneblume @fauxfrog And that’s why there’s no historical evidence of vampires. They’re writing the documents used to disprove their existence! #tmh

@thisisfalacci The 7 #tmh topics, blood, dreams, lightning, hot dogs, technology, dogs, and windows.

@frostyplum @tweethard think about how demigods are made. is Zeus putting the moves on robots now? #tmh

@Trogluddite Rocking back and forth in the dark is the best part of being a child! #tmh

@ginbucketfish E-harmony needs a problem matching service #tmh

@JohnEton the one is a vampire the other a van helsing thats a whacky relationship we all know whats for dinner steak AHAHAHA ZING #tmh

@ginbucketfish G. R. Maybeyoullkissaboy famous tween author #tmh

@TweetingMyHeart There are times that I miss you so much it hurts. #TMH

Permalink to this episode

Happy Holidays from Tweet Me Harder

And now, a word on werewolves:

There is no reason to be afraid of werewolves. The common knowledge about them is completely flawed.

The fact is, werewolves are bound by the same rules as certain classic vampires. For example, they cannot murder you unless you invite them into your home. And why would you do this? Only if you are under the influence of a cursed mummy’s cunning lies.

Otherwise, the werewolf’s ploys to confuse you into letting him in are not particularly effective or even comprehensible. An attempt that we have record of, for example, is the tale of a certain werewolf knocking at a door and impersonating a FedEx driver. However, he had no package or signature pad, and also, was a werewolf.

The species can, however, transform into bats — although the werewolf-bat is not winged, is the size of a large dog (or wolf), and greatly resembles a wolf in general. Also, when their blood is analyzed, DNA markers clearly place the werewolf-bat into the “salamander” category for reasons yet to be explicated. Research in this area is hampered by the fact that all scientists who have done research in this area have become werewolf-bat-salamanders themselves and have, as such, been stripped of funding.

Genetic research on werewolves is also hazardous as werewolf DNA is “fanged.” What researchers term “fangs” are oddly-shaped chromosomal markers that contain the hormonal “instruction manual” for biological transformation. These “fangs” are expected to yield the most data from these studies. Werewolf DNA “molars” appear to be used by werewolf DNA for grinding plant matter and roots. Werewolf DNA “canines” are just the regular werewolf DNA.

Aside from naming strands of werewolf DNA, no other research has been completed. In conclusion, werewolves are a vital part of our planet’s ecosystem and one day a werewolf may even be President.*

* Calvin Coolidge was posthumously declared actually a cursed mummy.