@tweethard says, "Thanks for listening!"

SHOW 67: Cesium Lick / 1hr 11min / November 2, 2010

Kris and David create a sham conservatory for diseased wild animals, examine the quantum state of stuntmen, find the best seats in the movie theater, decry foreign languages, peer into buildings, and compare notes with Kevin McShane regarding the events of the last few weeks.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Epilogue

@Samanthaa93 I’ve listened to every #TMH ever made, EVER!!! But this is my first live listen, woo! :)

@ShinyJim It turns out it was all a metaphor - the blood was the manager’s saliva. Also, turns out Kris is an autistic dog #tmh

@dtthelegend ok so now its like the bourne identity but with sandwiches! #tmh

@richmagahiz @BigShoesPlease It’s like they’re playing dodgeball with Kris as the ball #tmh

@fauxfrog THROW CHAIRS #tmh

@thisisfalacci But seriously guys every time @malki attempts to make the accordion sound, an angel gets its wings #tmh

@Albedo12 I have a soft spot for cushions, just as they have one for me #tmh

@BigShoesPlease Why x-ray GLASSES? isn’t it time we moved on to x-ray contact lenses? #TMH

@Kouban @BigShoes Please, x-ray contacts are so 80s; we need x-ray LASIK. #tmh

@hugparty after months of not listening, this was a really weird #tmh to come back to

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SHOW 66: Malaria-Induced Machete Murders / 1hr 12min / October 25, 2010

Kris, trapped in a nightmarish foreign problem-hospital, grows increasingly frantic as David thwarts dangers of his own en route to his rescue. Also, a solution for safely fireproofing homes, Kevin McShane steals a helicopter, and we finally learn the Greentown-kroner-to-hotdog exchange rate.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 6

@AdamRB The more Flammable a material, the easier and cheaper it is to make stuff out of it. #tmh

@cganders just try to get by, asbestos you can #tmh

@Paulius1981 Asbestos: Kills you dead and then cremation is not an option #tmh

@Lawlborough The Ukraine: like Russia, but with more salt and misery #tmh

@jplaub Tweet Me Harder and the Temple of Doom, and Also Kris is Gone #tmh

@dtthelegend #tmh is the audio version of an amazing James Bond movie with two James Bonds.

@ignorant_genius #tmh Turn off all lights, stow all cargo, muffle banjos: Malki is set for silent running.

@srbernard Malki, don’t be a fool! If you were meant to fly, god would’ve given you a hyperjet! #tmh

@robynneblume Hyperjet, useless. Bathroom, Perfect! #tmh

@Bradleybugman @malki I’m pretty sure you can make a makeshift jetpack with an upside-down toilet. #tmh

@claudedwards Is it wrong that I find this scenario a little creepy? #tmh

@thisisfalacci OHMYGAWD you guys, this is Kris’s super hero/villain origin story!!!! 

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Hello everyone, David Malki ! here. If you’ve listened to Tweet Me Harder episodes 61 through 65, you know that our old friend Kris is in a heap of trouble. I’m trying my best to save him but I’m about at my wits’ end! I need your help!

Call our Tweetline at (864) 64-TWEET and leave a suggestion for how to rescue Kris. Keep it under 30 seconds as I’ll probably be checking messages from some Godforsaken foxhole with bullets whizzing everywhere. Sound as good as you can, because this is a contest! I’ll be picking three people to join me in TMH episode 66 - The Dramatic Finale. Start calling now, and make sure to include your Twitter name in the message so I can write back to you if you win.

You have until midnight Pacific on Monday, October 18 to leave your messages. Enter as many times as you like. Honorable mentions may be played on the air, and three clever souls will join me on a suicide mission to save our friend. Let’s go!


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SHOW 65: Lord of Greentown / 1hr 6min / October 10, 2010

David turns to European drilling-platform sovereign John Allison for clues to Kris’s whereabouts. The two debate the fashion choices of dictators, the sometime necessity of proxy hugging, the importance of choosing one’s stamp-mate, and how many watts of music power TMH can muster.  

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 5

@cSpain_Design You can always mount guns on the hubcaps, like gladiatorial chariot-spikes. That way your shooting-at-things proficiency goes way up. #tmh

@mrorange764 @cSpain_Design then would the guns have to be self leveling? or would you just shoot 360 degrees parallel to your direction of motion? #tmh

@cSpain_Design @mrorange764 I’m thinking several guns per tyre, positioned at 10º intervals. Always firing, all the time, everywhere. #tmh

@phogan Kris has figured out the Konami Code of geriatric beds #tmh

@beowuuf @tweethard We Scots need external music to row. Orkney people are stranded without a source of rhythmn. Metronomes are 5 years away #tmh

@ignorant_genius Sounds like John still believes in lightning. So cute! #tmh

@cSpain_Design If you’ll excuse me, I have to run around screaming in fear and excitement for a moment. #tmh #aaahh #AAAAAAHH

@robynneblume Oh man, missed first chunk of #tmh. Hello @badmachinery! Um, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

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SHOW 64: Flamingos Come Free / 58min / October 6 , 2010

David and guest host Chris Hastings unpack the parochial history of roller-coasters, the pressure not placed on pets to be ethical, prospects for the Smithsonian Sneezing-Animal Emporium, and come to a conclusion regarding the safety of European hospitals.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 4

@robynneblume The oldest roller coasters are probably the safest, because there’s been more time to discover and fix safety concerns. #tmh

@richmagahiz wooden rollercoasters are a termite’s smorgasbord #tmh

@Hamiltwan #TMH the “coaster” doesn’t refer to the things under cups, it refers to the fact that all of them used to be along the coast, for safety

@Kouban @Hamiltwan The Roller-Coast Guard was understandably short-lived. #tmh

@oneswellfoop #TMH And Roller Coasters were a big improvement over the previous amusement park ride: the Bouncer Skidder.

@Boblearned I saw this dog driving a car yesterday… I thought he could save me, take me to the hospital… but saw it was an Australian car. #TMH

@Kouban @Boblearned Australian cars are designed specifically so dogs can’t drive them :( #tmh

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SHOW 63: Delicious People / 53min / September 30, 2010

Guest host Colleen AF Venable joins David to describe the afterlife of mac ‘n’ cheese, how to deal with sweet or savory individuals in a post-racial society, and what to feed an electric water snake.  Meanwhile, Kris lives it up in fancy-pants Europe.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 3

@JessePB @tweethard I can hear the goatee through the feed. Must be what’s attracting the ghosts. #tmh

@Kouban The really expensive helmets have automatic mac & cheese dispensers which work like airbags to keep you safe. #tmh

@BigShoesPlease a new trend sweeping the southern American highways: Hot Mac & Cheese stands replacing all the fresh fruit stands. #TMH

@Bradleybugman @BigShoesPlease The best part are the souvenir bowls. #tmh

@robynneblume Wait, so if you eat Mac ‘n Cheese it comes back as more Mac ‘n cheese that you can eat? #tmh

@Bradleybugman It’s Mac n Cheese all the way down. #tmh

@sevpiehl #tmh Do we need to get some anti-delicious-discrimination legislature passed?

@ginbucketfish we need to stop discrimination against delicious, bi-tastual, and trans-flavored individuals #tmh

@richmagahiz We could appoint a zombie as Human Deliciousness Czar #tmh

@richmagahiz I’m afraid we have to face the truth: Kris has been kidnapped by a ghost on a thresher #tmh

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SHOW 62: Future-Pangaea / 47min / September 22, 2010

David and guest-host Dave Kellett explain the weather inside a blimp hangar, the hidden hazards of working with Post-It™ glue, the joy of being a hobbyist actuary, how the Slavs do the Amber Alert, and where the heck Kris got off to.  

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 2

@quippley #tmh ahhh going back to the 90s!

@Harashi #TMH my pastel wind breaker is starting to chafe and making it hard to rollerblade.

@richmagahiz Best thing about working for the Post-Its group at 3M is whenever you get an idea, you can jot it down anywhere around you #tmh

@phogan Meh, everyone plays chess with human lives these days. I want to play chess with hippos #tmh

@Kouban @phogan I own a set of Hippo Chess carved from actual hippo teeth. #tmh

@robynneblume Corn can do almost anything. Actually, I say “almost,” but I can’t think of anything corn CAN’T do off the top of my head. #tmh

@Harashi #TMH if Kris was really worried he would have used his safe word.

@Mythrander Wait. I thought Kris was short for Kristine! I had a major thing for her sultry low alto too. Talk about false advertising. Sheesh. #tmh

@richmagahiz As long as the continents are stuck together with weak adhesive, we can adjust future Pangaea the way we like #tmh

@Kouban I thought @malki was going to say he was growing by inches into a centipede #tmh

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SHOW 61: Kevin Me Harder / 58min / September 21, 2010

When Kris is late showing up for the show, Kevin McShane steps in to help David out. The upbeat pair wackily discuss doorknobs, gas ovens, and the Internet!

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 1

@robinbalmer @tweethard #tmh I’ve been cataloging windows in Portland - as I understand it, it takes 98 windows to run a computer.

@Kouban The reason doorknobs still exist is because the ruffian lobby demands an easy source for heavy objects to stuff into sacks. #tmh

@Jvetters #TMH What about the first Matrix movie? Any kid who watches that in ten years is going to wonder why they’re using phone lines.

@Phrawger #tmh Clearly Kris has been abducted by the Japanese Mafia, which Kevin is an agent for

@Phrawger It’s a bunch of Italian guys dressed up like samurai. The pseudo-japanese Mafia. More mafia than Japanese. #tmh

@Jvetters @tweethard Ghost Kris as a co-host next week? I think that could add a real sort of zing to the show! #TMH

@Kouban @Jvetters I wonder if they’d need a condenser mic to solidify him. #tmh


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