THE SHOW'S RUN HAS CONCLUDED.
@tweethard says, "Thanks for listening!"


SHOW 66: Malaria-Induced Machete Murders / 1hr 12min / October 25, 2010

Kris, trapped in a nightmarish foreign problem-hospital, grows increasingly frantic as David thwarts dangers of his own en route to his rescue. Also, a solution for safely fireproofing homes, Kevin McShane steals a helicopter, and we finally learn the Greentown-kroner-to-hotdog exchange rate.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 6

@AdamRB The more Flammable a material, the easier and cheaper it is to make stuff out of it. #tmh

@cganders just try to get by, asbestos you can #tmh

@Paulius1981 Asbestos: Kills you dead and then cremation is not an option #tmh

@Lawlborough The Ukraine: like Russia, but with more salt and misery #tmh

@jplaub Tweet Me Harder and the Temple of Doom, and Also Kris is Gone #tmh

@dtthelegend #tmh is the audio version of an amazing James Bond movie with two James Bonds.

@ignorant_genius #tmh Turn off all lights, stow all cargo, muffle banjos: Malki is set for silent running.

@srbernard Malki, don’t be a fool! If you were meant to fly, god would’ve given you a hyperjet! #tmh

@robynneblume Hyperjet, useless. Bathroom, Perfect! #tmh

@Bradleybugman @malki I’m pretty sure you can make a makeshift jetpack with an upside-down toilet. #tmh

@claudedwards Is it wrong that I find this scenario a little creepy? #tmh

@thisisfalacci OHMYGAWD you guys, this is Kris’s super hero/villain origin story!!!! 

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SHOW 48: Entrepremurderers / 59min / June 10, 2010

Kris and David unpack everything there is to know about the Hamburglar, start a murder franchise, learn about crowbars, explain at furious length how the TMH book will benefit your life, and David attempts revenge on Kris for inflicting Mom Me Harder on the show.

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@Albedo12 He breaks into people’s hams and steals the bone #tmh

@IAmAboutUs Maybe his car uses a hamburger fuel cell #tmh

@Inanimatecarbon Everybody forgets the brave service of Officer Big Mac. Let’s support our hamburgers in blue. #TMH

@Minivet #tmh L’hammerdeur is the 17th century hamburger-filching vagabond hero.

@kcbanner The Hamburgler has to defend the Hamburg Hammerdereur Hideout with hardened ham crowbars #tmh

@NickyTheRat If this conversation continues long enough, eventually all language will become meaningless. #tmh

@jddennis Trying to imagine Ronald McDonald as Batman. Not exactly working. #tmh

@CSpain_design A group of crows is called a murder; when there’s only two of them it’s called an attempted manslaughter #tmh

@cephalopod_gal I’m pretty sure all pictures of Lil Kris have him with a goatee. #tmh

@frostyplum @cephalopod_gal like this? http://twitpic.com/13vlt9 #tmh

@TrevorBekolay @tweethard I’m not sure if you guys know this, but Kurt does a slightly better podcast called Tweet Me Hardest. #tmh

@Nateman What about all the awkward pauses. Did they make it into the book? #tmh #theresalotofthem

@cephalopod_gal @Nateman Yeah. There are TONS of ellipses. #tmh

@richmagahiz Kris Straub = Norman Bates #tmh

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SHOW 47: Hot Dog Harmonica / 41min / May 30, 2010

Kris and David’s mom explore a world of magical thinking, driving woes, and discover the true meaning of being stung by insects whose only goal is to steal your summer meats. Plus, how do you take your hot dog? The wrong way, probably.

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@SpectreSigma How does one become a teen werewolf?

@cephalopod_gal @robynneblume Sadly, I was not present at today’s #tmh. I was working. I’m sure y’all missed me very much.

(this honestly was the worst show for #teammalkismom to miss)

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SHOW 46: Torquequake / 1 hr 7min / May 13, 2010

Kris and David make inroads in battery safety, identify the most rueful metals, join the Zeppelin Advisory Board, fill balloons with the elements, and may in fact be dreaming. Also, David starts to resent Mom Me Harder.

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@Albedo12 #tmh Who are the movers and shakers in the world of seismology?

@CSpain_design I keep my batteries in things I don’t need batteries in. That way I don’t feel bad about taking them out to put them in other things. #tmh

@robynneblume @cSpain_Design I’m picturing a bunch of cardboard boxes, each with lots of battery compartments. #tmh

@cSpain_Design @robynneblume I think we now have a solution to power my cardboard Iron Man suit! #tmh #itsjustabox

@cephalopod_gal @frostyplum I’d hate to get hit by hot dogs that are falling from the sky! All slippery and hot dog-smelly. #tmh

@frostyplum @cephalopod_gal turn your umbrella inside-out. you’ll eat for a week. #tmh

@Albedo12 #tmh My other zeppelin is a convertible (into a ball of fiery death) #zeppelinbumperstickers

@cephalopod_gal End of #tmh right here: “I mean, if I wasn’t dreaming, could I do THIS??” #lastwordsofkris

@CSpain_design Malki don’t you see? The Malkingdom was inside you all along. You may want to see a doctor #tmh

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TWEET ME SHORTER: Ballroom Overlord / 14min

David’s mom remembers a heady young David, while Kris seeks a higher education; also, the shocking secret behind Master Chief.

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@ProphetEKA Get a Bachelors Degree in “Llllllladies”. = ) #tmh

@Albedo12 A degree in MeetHereology? #tmh

@Kinotu You have improved the Halo games 3000% in one fell swoop. #tmh

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SHOW 44: The Exotic World of Meats / 56min / April 21, 2010

Kris and David eat mice and other rodents whole, consider pet ownership, wonder about tapeworms, and prevent cataclysm by conjuring lost dinosaur energies while David’s mom thinks her son dislikes her cooking.

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MrBildango The one thing that was missing from Tweet Me Harder was the mom context. Now it’s a perfect show. #tmh

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bookofbiff It was a mistake to be eating while listening to this #tmh

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cephalopod_gal It’s finally happened. Kris has just shattered my heart to pieces with his words on #tmh.

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cephalopod_gal http://twitpic.com/1hf9kw - Made this while listening to #tmh

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SHOW 42: The God of Atheism / 46min / April 1, 2010


Kris and David solve listeners’ troubling medical mysteries, revitalize the American penny, figure out why Kris’ calcified wrists are secretly killing him, and discover an instant “in” with Jehovah. A classic Tweet Me Harder!

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CSpain_design I wonder if a laser-guided finger attachment would be a profitable idea. Y’know, for more accurate pointing/poking and the like #tmh

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Kouban @TrevorBekolay You can’t get a virus from a computer unless it cuts you or you have sex with it. #sadlymyvolunteerworkinvolvesboth #tmh

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ertchin @tweethard I feel like the District of Columbia is the real loser in this penny deal. #tmh

ertchin @tweethard And forgers would constantly be passing off Colorado pennies as Wyoming pennies. #tmh

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robynneblume If you only pray when you need something, God’s gonna be all “Man I never get to just hang out and talk with you, y’know?” #tmh

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MrBildango Dawkins keeps his heart in a mason jar inside of the tomb of Charles Darwin. #tmh

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Kouban Guys, your answer to EVERYTHING is “chop off the feet” #tmh

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SHOW 41: No Spiders Allowed / 56min / March 23, 2010

Kris and David explore a world of disposable reading material, ships of insects, and how to stay on top of your to-do list with memory-enhancing techniques. David also reveals a dark physical secret no one has ever heard (of) before.

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Kouban "Let’s Got Mail!" is the Japanese ad campaign based on You’ve Got Mail #tmh

robynneblume We thought our cat might get kill a rat we found in our house, but instead she was scared and ran away from it. #tmh

TonyFraguero Magazines come frequent enough that I worry about dying in a landslide of weird nostalgia if I keep them #tmh

gnarloh @tonyfraguero i do live in a landslide of weird nostalgia :( #hoarderintraining #tmh

TonyFraguero @gnarloh Title for autobiography: found #tmh

gskull @tweethard Why don’t people build submarines in bottles? You wouldn’t have to empty the thing first. #askmeharder #tmh

Kouban Spider-webs make the best sails #tmh

cephalopod_gal "Time for an ARACHNAUTICAL ADVENTURE" #tmh #spiderboats #sorryMrBildango

gskull Would a one-eyed spider pirate be wearing seven eyepatches? #tmh

BlackFelos I thought the parrot hung upside down when there was a gas leak on the ship. #tmh


thegreenavenger @tweethard AHAHAHAHA You were SO LOUD that you woke up my roommate through her door and she came and closed my door. #tmh

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SHOW 39: Corpse Glass / 1hr 2min / March 4, 2010

Kris and David go on an undersea adventure, search for the cure to a shattering illness, throw themselves headlong into stones, and David’s mom appreciates literature.

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tweethard (twitter search has expired)

White667 @Tweethard Maybe you should start storing the tweets someplace else, for like future listeners and that.

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SHOW 37: Comprehensive Family Feud / 1hr 6min / February 18, 2010

Kris and David survey the entire planet, throw surprise parties, make enemies of archers, tell long-winded stories of fruitless correspondence, and David’s mom thinks the boys are doing a good job.

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cephalopod_gal The jewels are actually a scrap of paper that say “The jewels were inside you all along.” #tmh

Kouban I want to see a campground set up as a complex Venn diagram, so you wind up with ridiculously complicated combination camps #tmh

nebadger I was a fat kid, my fat kid tears helped others sleep at night… it also made cookies taste better #tmh

robynneblume We had a yardsale when I was a kid and none of my things sold because I’d written the prices on them with sharpie. #tmh

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SHOW 36: Painter of Fright / 48min / February 11, 2010

Kris and David uncover the terrifying hidden meaning behind Thomas Kincade paintings, Kris says goodbye to his window-cataloguing project, and David’s mom continues to have opinions about Tweet Me Harder.

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Kouban My cat loves the box #tmh comes in.

MrBildango #tmh comes in an ear box; a solid wax square that you need to melt to get to the product.

MrBildango If you light a Kincade painting on fire, the front layer burns away and you briefly see the burning people in the house #tmh

cephalopod_gal In this conversation, “windows” equals “women.” #tmh

Kouban "pulleys" is also a metaphor for "women" #tmh

cephalopod_gal Every noun is a metaphor for women on #tmh

jplaub As Malki’s mom would say, “Zippo Hurdle Backses” #tmh


cubewatermelon @tweethard #tmh These conversations are always best when I come in during the middle of them.

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SHOW 35: Safety Aliens / 59min / February 4, 2010

Kris and David give each other relaxing workplace massages, chow down on vegetable wax, revolutionize ice cream, praise vagueness in fiction, and David’s mom discovers Tweet Me Harder.

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cephalopod_gal Time for #tmh fanfic! Malki gives Kris a ~platonic~ massage.

Kouban Due to the design of the bottle, when you squeeze it, Kris and David appear to kiss #tmhfanfic #tmh


thegreenavenger @tweethard The two bottles are filled with two different kinds of oil and when you bond them together it causes a horrible burning sensation

Kouban @thegreenavenger Tragically, #tmh Massage Oil and #tmh Napalm Kit look extremely similar and they refuse to fix this

cubewatermelon @tweethard #tmh I think Kris has confused Pool with Gymnastics

pyrosim @Kouban That actually sounds like it could be a fantastic sport. You have to do pool and gymnastics simultaneously #tmh

jplaub Malki just bought tons of ice cream, his freezer died, and now he’s trying to pawn off melted ice cream on an unsuspecting audience #tmh

cephalopod_gal I need to grab a trashcan in case I throw up. Just the idea of “ice cheese” makes me feel gross. #tmh


pyrosim @tweethard Listening to your technical problems is the reason I come to the live stream instead of the podcast; no worries #tmh

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SHOW 34: Horseless Carousel / 59min / January 27, 2010

Kris and David put robots to work, unlock the spelling science behind supplements, bond over a common fear, and Kris talks to David’s mom to determine the veracity of David’s “Bitten Beans” story from TMH31.

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MrBildango Can’t you just grab someone’s hands and just spin around with them? #tmh

robynneblume @MrBildango Sure, if you want one of those dangerous “Back Alley Centrifuges.” #tmh

MrBildango I’m not saying it works every time. It’s a folk remedy. #tmh

cephalopod_gal I like ghosts. #tmh

Kouban @cephalopod_gal Even thresher ghosts? #tmh

cephalopod_gal @Kouban ESPECIALLY thresher ghosts. #tmh

Kouban @cephalopod_gal Do you have any official Thresher Ghost goods, or just an I <3 Ghosts t-shirt? #tmh

cephalopod_gal @Kouban I have a I <3 Ghosts tattoo on my bottom. #tmh #thisisfalse

neoeo What about a ghoul driving a Zamboni, and you’re not wearing skates? That’s scarier, because you can’t run away. #tmh

rkarl07 […] an undead zamboni… THE ZOMBONI! #dundunduuuunnn #tmh

frostyplum the problem with @tweethard is if I break for the bathroom, there is zero chance I will know what’s going on when I come back. #tmh

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