@tweethard says, "Thanks for listening!"

SHOW 70: Why Are You So Problem / 1hr 2min / November 23, 2010

Kris and David compare products to their marketing, make everything out of potatoes, and in Ask Me Harder, determine the best joint for macaroni, probe the sleep of the genders, and isolate the Dorito spice.

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@robynneblume Malki and Straub have different wavelengths, so they resolve in different places when viewed through a prism. #tmh

@JessePB @robynneblume Hair redshifts in a prism so the goatee streaks across Malki’s face forming a beard. #tmh

@Bradleybugman Cats are always plotting something nefarious. They are extremely poor at following through with lofty plans, though #becausetheyarecats #tmh

@Kouban @Bradleybugman Whenever a cat kills someone, they take great pains to make it look like an accident. #tmh

@richmagahiz Potatoes have to spend six months underground because they offended the god of the underworld #tmh

@Paulius1981 @richmagahiz They tried tetris shaped macaroni, but part of it vanishes when put in the bowl #tmh

@richmagahiz For bland diets, sprinkle your food with Nullspice #tmh

@Bradleybugman Cinémon: Gotta spice em all. #tmh #seasonalprogramming

@TweetingMyHeart I know you don’t love me. But it’s not like I can control how I feel. #TMH

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SHOW 69: Large Hot Dog Collider / 54min / November 18, 2010

Kris and David crack the code of hobby horse classification, bodily organs of a different kind, designer bacon, Deaf Coca-Cola, and bring it all home with hot dogs.

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@DegMcE: #tmh Hobby horses were invented so children could reenact the Battle of Troy


@cSpain_Design: We need more rocking horses that rock from side to side, to provide much-needed simulations of riding a drunk horse #tmh


@thisisfalacci Tips for a romantic first date: sew some pants out of other pants! #tmh


@hugparty so that’s why all Asians play musical instruments and are good at math. huh. #tmh


@richmagahiz Why don’t they make hotdogs with a liquid core made of mustard? #tmh


@ignorant_genius You can’t burn the impurities out of a hot dog. You’ll have literally nothing left. #tmh

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SHOW 67: Cesium Lick / 1hr 11min / November 2, 2010

Kris and David create a sham conservatory for diseased wild animals, examine the quantum state of stuntmen, find the best seats in the movie theater, decry foreign languages, peer into buildings, and compare notes with Kevin McShane regarding the events of the last few weeks.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Epilogue

@Samanthaa93 I’ve listened to every #TMH ever made, EVER!!! But this is my first live listen, woo! :)

@ShinyJim It turns out it was all a metaphor - the blood was the manager’s saliva. Also, turns out Kris is an autistic dog #tmh

@dtthelegend ok so now its like the bourne identity but with sandwiches! #tmh

@richmagahiz @BigShoesPlease It’s like they’re playing dodgeball with Kris as the ball #tmh

@fauxfrog THROW CHAIRS #tmh

@thisisfalacci But seriously guys every time @malki attempts to make the accordion sound, an angel gets its wings #tmh

@Albedo12 I have a soft spot for cushions, just as they have one for me #tmh

@BigShoesPlease Why x-ray GLASSES? isn’t it time we moved on to x-ray contact lenses? #TMH

@Kouban @BigShoes Please, x-ray contacts are so 80s; we need x-ray LASIK. #tmh

@hugparty after months of not listening, this was a really weird #tmh to come back to

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SHOW 66: Malaria-Induced Machete Murders / 1hr 12min / October 25, 2010

Kris, trapped in a nightmarish foreign problem-hospital, grows increasingly frantic as David thwarts dangers of his own en route to his rescue. Also, a solution for safely fireproofing homes, Kevin McShane steals a helicopter, and we finally learn the Greentown-kroner-to-hotdog exchange rate.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 6

@AdamRB The more Flammable a material, the easier and cheaper it is to make stuff out of it. #tmh

@cganders just try to get by, asbestos you can #tmh

@Paulius1981 Asbestos: Kills you dead and then cremation is not an option #tmh

@Lawlborough The Ukraine: like Russia, but with more salt and misery #tmh

@jplaub Tweet Me Harder and the Temple of Doom, and Also Kris is Gone #tmh

@dtthelegend #tmh is the audio version of an amazing James Bond movie with two James Bonds.

@ignorant_genius #tmh Turn off all lights, stow all cargo, muffle banjos: Malki is set for silent running.

@srbernard Malki, don’t be a fool! If you were meant to fly, god would’ve given you a hyperjet! #tmh

@robynneblume Hyperjet, useless. Bathroom, Perfect! #tmh

@Bradleybugman @malki I’m pretty sure you can make a makeshift jetpack with an upside-down toilet. #tmh

@claudedwards Is it wrong that I find this scenario a little creepy? #tmh

@thisisfalacci OHMYGAWD you guys, this is Kris’s super hero/villain origin story!!!! 

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Hello everyone, David Malki ! here. If you’ve listened to Tweet Me Harder episodes 61 through 65, you know that our old friend Kris is in a heap of trouble. I’m trying my best to save him but I’m about at my wits’ end! I need your help!

Call our Tweetline at (864) 64-TWEET and leave a suggestion for how to rescue Kris. Keep it under 30 seconds as I’ll probably be checking messages from some Godforsaken foxhole with bullets whizzing everywhere. Sound as good as you can, because this is a contest! I’ll be picking three people to join me in TMH episode 66 - The Dramatic Finale. Start calling now, and make sure to include your Twitter name in the message so I can write back to you if you win.

You have until midnight Pacific on Monday, October 18 to leave your messages. Enter as many times as you like. Honorable mentions may be played on the air, and three clever souls will join me on a suicide mission to save our friend. Let’s go!


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SHOW 65: Lord of Greentown / 1hr 6min / October 10, 2010

David turns to European drilling-platform sovereign John Allison for clues to Kris’s whereabouts. The two debate the fashion choices of dictators, the sometime necessity of proxy hugging, the importance of choosing one’s stamp-mate, and how many watts of music power TMH can muster.  

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 5

@cSpain_Design You can always mount guns on the hubcaps, like gladiatorial chariot-spikes. That way your shooting-at-things proficiency goes way up. #tmh

@mrorange764 @cSpain_Design then would the guns have to be self leveling? or would you just shoot 360 degrees parallel to your direction of motion? #tmh

@cSpain_Design @mrorange764 I’m thinking several guns per tyre, positioned at 10º intervals. Always firing, all the time, everywhere. #tmh

@phogan Kris has figured out the Konami Code of geriatric beds #tmh

@beowuuf @tweethard We Scots need external music to row. Orkney people are stranded without a source of rhythmn. Metronomes are 5 years away #tmh

@ignorant_genius Sounds like John still believes in lightning. So cute! #tmh

@cSpain_Design If you’ll excuse me, I have to run around screaming in fear and excitement for a moment. #tmh #aaahh #AAAAAAHH

@robynneblume Oh man, missed first chunk of #tmh. Hello @badmachinery! Um, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

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SHOW 64: Flamingos Come Free / 58min / October 6 , 2010

David and guest host Chris Hastings unpack the parochial history of roller-coasters, the pressure not placed on pets to be ethical, prospects for the Smithsonian Sneezing-Animal Emporium, and come to a conclusion regarding the safety of European hospitals.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 4

@robynneblume The oldest roller coasters are probably the safest, because there’s been more time to discover and fix safety concerns. #tmh

@richmagahiz wooden rollercoasters are a termite’s smorgasbord #tmh

@Hamiltwan #TMH the “coaster” doesn’t refer to the things under cups, it refers to the fact that all of them used to be along the coast, for safety

@Kouban @Hamiltwan The Roller-Coast Guard was understandably short-lived. #tmh

@oneswellfoop #TMH And Roller Coasters were a big improvement over the previous amusement park ride: the Bouncer Skidder.

@Boblearned I saw this dog driving a car yesterday… I thought he could save me, take me to the hospital… but saw it was an Australian car. #TMH

@Kouban @Boblearned Australian cars are designed specifically so dogs can’t drive them :( #tmh

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SHOW 63: Delicious People / 53min / September 30, 2010

Guest host Colleen AF Venable joins David to describe the afterlife of mac ‘n’ cheese, how to deal with sweet or savory individuals in a post-racial society, and what to feed an electric water snake.  Meanwhile, Kris lives it up in fancy-pants Europe.

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 3

@JessePB @tweethard I can hear the goatee through the feed. Must be what’s attracting the ghosts. #tmh

@Kouban The really expensive helmets have automatic mac & cheese dispensers which work like airbags to keep you safe. #tmh

@BigShoesPlease a new trend sweeping the southern American highways: Hot Mac & Cheese stands replacing all the fresh fruit stands. #TMH

@Bradleybugman @BigShoesPlease The best part are the souvenir bowls. #tmh

@robynneblume Wait, so if you eat Mac 'n Cheese it comes back as more Mac 'n cheese that you can eat? #tmh

@Bradleybugman It’s Mac n Cheese all the way down. #tmh

@sevpiehl #tmh Do we need to get some anti-delicious-discrimination legislature passed?

@ginbucketfish we need to stop discrimination against delicious, bi-tastual, and trans-flavored individuals #tmh

@richmagahiz We could appoint a zombie as Human Deliciousness Czar #tmh

@richmagahiz I’m afraid we have to face the truth: Kris has been kidnapped by a ghost on a thresher #tmh

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SHOW 62: Future-Pangaea / 47min / September 22, 2010

David and guest-host Dave Kellett explain the weather inside a blimp hangar, the hidden hazards of working with Post-It™ glue, the joy of being a hobbyist actuary, how the Slavs do the Amber Alert, and where the heck Kris got off to.  

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 2

@quippley #tmh ahhh going back to the 90s!

@Harashi #TMH my pastel wind breaker is starting to chafe and making it hard to rollerblade.

@richmagahiz Best thing about working for the Post-Its group at 3M is whenever you get an idea, you can jot it down anywhere around you #tmh

@phogan Meh, everyone plays chess with human lives these days. I want to play chess with hippos #tmh

@Kouban @phogan I own a set of Hippo Chess carved from actual hippo teeth. #tmh

@robynneblume Corn can do almost anything. Actually, I say “almost,” but I can’t think of anything corn CAN’T do off the top of my head. #tmh

@Harashi #TMH if Kris was really worried he would have used his safe word.

@Mythrander Wait. I thought Kris was short for Kristine! I had a major thing for her sultry low alto too. Talk about false advertising. Sheesh. #tmh

@richmagahiz As long as the continents are stuck together with weak adhesive, we can adjust future Pangaea the way we like #tmh

@Kouban I thought @malki was going to say he was growing by inches into a centipede #tmh

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SHOW 61: Kevin Me Harder / 58min / September 21, 2010

When Kris is late showing up for the show, Kevin McShane steps in to help David out. The upbeat pair wackily discuss doorknobs, gas ovens, and the Internet!

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Storyline: “Kris is Gone” Part 1

@robinbalmer @tweethard #tmh I’ve been cataloging windows in Portland - as I understand it, it takes 98 windows to run a computer.

@Kouban The reason doorknobs still exist is because the ruffian lobby demands an easy source for heavy objects to stuff into sacks. #tmh

@Jvetters #TMH What about the first Matrix movie? Any kid who watches that in ten years is going to wonder why they’re using phone lines.

@Phrawger #tmh Clearly Kris has been abducted by the Japanese Mafia, which Kevin is an agent for

@Phrawger It’s a bunch of Italian guys dressed up like samurai. The pseudo-japanese Mafia. More mafia than Japanese. #tmh

@Jvetters @tweethard Ghost Kris as a co-host next week? I think that could add a real sort of zing to the show! #TMH

@Kouban @Jvetters I wonder if they’d need a condenser mic to solidify him. #tmh


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SHOW 60: Knife-Wielding Duck / 53min / September 15, 2010

Kris and David flee hazardous weather, consider sustainable ways to melt frozen blood, become modern equivalents to swordsmen, use drill-bits as their sigil, and John Allison’s TMH fanfic reaches its nail-biting conclusion. 

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Storyline: “TMH Fanfic” Part 5

@jplaub The salty hail is made from the tears of people who live in Seattle #tmh

@richmagahiz What you need is a quadruple-edged sword similar to those spiffy razors #tmh

@medscholaradaml A drill gun - a gun that shoots drills #tmh

@phogan Solution: shurikens in the shape of ducks #tmh

@richmagahiz This line of thought leads inevitably to the throwing flamethrower #tmh

@cSpain_Design This #tmh fanfic is actually an allegory—for the exact events that it describes #HundredPercentAccurate

@cSpain_Design I have to cancel my plans for tonight, in order to weep openly #tmh

@Craig_Wilson Plot twist: Kris was David the whole time. #tmh

@Paulius1981 Anyone else seeing a Memuloid with Malki’s beard duct-taped to it? #TMH

@cSpain_Design Oh yeah… no danger of having normal dreams tonight after this#tmh

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SHOW 59: Largest Sheep Heap / 51min / September 2, 2010

Kris and David consider commissioning a TMH mascot, marvel at the Dry-Erase Guild Society’s inventive goings-on, hear listener tales of Forgettable Adventures, and John Allison’s TMH fanfic reaches a fever pitch.

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Storyline: “TMH Fanfic” Part 4

@Drahant So my cat slapped my copy of Hey World from my hand and keeps eyeing my computer with disdain. She may have to go. #tmh #kittyranch

@fauxfrog @Drahant #tmh She understands what’s going on in there.

@Kinjira #tmh Somehow my first instinct for a mascot was just an enormous eye

@robynneblume @Kinjira If that was the mascot, I might well never listen to the show again. #creepy #childhoodfears #tmh

@cephalopod_gal What if the mascot is a ghost? But it’s all adorable. #tmh

@Kinjira @cephalopod_gal #tmh Let’s meet in the middle and say it’s a ghost eyeball

@fauxfrog @Kinjira And it has a goatee. #tmh

@Kinjira @fauxfrog #tmh Somehow giving it hair was going too far for me

@fauxfrog @Kinjira Maybe it has another face on the back of its head, and that will be the other goatee. So that solves that problem! #tmh

@fauxfrog #tmh If I may submit a rough draft re: the mascot. he double-sided goatee’d ghost eye!

@Kinjira @fauxfrog #tmh And I’m fine with that! Until, at least, I wake up tonight to it standing over my bed, just staring.

@SamGraebner @tweethard All home walls should be dry-erase boards #tmh

@Kinjira #tmh @SamGraebner Draw your own windows! Who needs the world when you can make your own


@robynneblume The idea was that my sister and I would just cross the border so we could say we’d been to Mexico. Then we got lost. #tmh

@DustinCorreale @tweethard #tmh skydiving was sort of anti-climactic. The overwhelming sensation was … windy

@cephalopod_gal Senior year of high school, we went to a theatre competition in NYC. There were like five troupes there and everyone got a trophy. :\ #tmh

@cephalopod_gal Also, one group tried to do The Tempest in 20 minutes. It was confusing. #tmh

@thisisfalacci me and friends hiked to this body of water that’s usually awesome, turned out this year it’s barely a puddle #tmh

@thisisfalacci oh, and there was a dead rattlesnake on the way there. how exciting. #tmh

@MrBildango I went to Maine when I was really young and was bored like crazy. Parents liked it though. Went back as an adult… Still boring. #tmh

@TheAngryBeard Had a road trip to Montreal, was supposed to be a big adventure. All we wound up doing was eating roast beef sandwiches all weekend. #tmh

@chaddice @tweethard try a 6 hour coach ride with a 2 fatties who throw up in the toilet, break it, and then fart for the rest of the journey #tmh

@SamGraebner @tweethard I went to the grocery store once and bought milk. It expired the next day #forgettableadventures #tmh

@malpertuis @tweethard I spent a night on Alcatraz. It was really cold. And lots of fluorescent lights Not spooky at all #tmh

@anthroman #TMH Manned the info desk phones @ a con the day before it started. It rang twice in 8hrs. Both times the tech asking: is the phone working?

@richmagahiz Will a Tic Tac last in your mouth for 3 months? What devilry is this? #tmh

@Daniora @richmagahiz It is a FUTURE Tic Tac #tmh

@Paulius1981 @richmagahiz When in doubt, a wizard did it. #TMH

@cSpain_Design Oh yeah… no danger of having normal dreams tonight after this #tmh

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SHOW 58: The Knowledge Hummingbird / 58min / August 26, 2010

Kris and David spar off on big-city values, consider a world in which glass was never invented, get Facebook to predict their moods, and John Allison’s TMH fan-fiction epic takes a dark turn.

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Storyline: “TMH Fanfic” Part 3

@cephalopod_gal My neighbors probably think I’m crazy from that burst of laughter that I just had. #tmh

@Kouban @cephalopod_gal “That pantsless girl is laughing hysterically again.” “I’m calling the pants police.” #tmh

@Phrawger “I’m curious about glass” every boy goes through some different changes I suppose #tmh

@fauxfrog #tmh The history of creating glass can be traced back to 3500 BCE in Mesopotamia.

@Albedo12 #tmh maybe someone was trying to cook sand to see if it could be eaten

@CSpain_design There was that one rival site to Wikipedia, ‘Wackypedia’. But any time you tried to load a page it’d just show you a picture of a clown #tmh

@DE_Craig Wow! I’ve never listened in live. There’s interesting trouble and nonsense.#tmh

@Kouban Every couple minutes, the audio cuts for a second or two #tmh

@robynneblume The stream skipped a little, but for me it’s been mostly fine. #tmh

@Kouban It’s viral marketing for the new Max Headroom DVD set #tmh

@Paulius1981 Facebook, now you to can listen to the douchebags from highschool talk about how they’re totally looking forward to the weekend! #tmh

@Albedo12 #tmh Every facebook page should come with a banner saying 'If I didn’t date you in school, I won’t date you now either’.

@quippley #tmh i stopped paying attention for a few seconds and I’m completely lost….

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SHOW 57: Snowman Scarecrow / 59min / August 18, 2010

Kris and David get rid of product packaging, throw a salad-dressing party, run in terror from the wild zamboni, tell tales of problems with sports, and famous fan-fiction author John Allison continues his TMH epic.

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Storyline: “TMH Fanfic” Part 2

@Firbozz Why don’t we just make the Twinkie the currency? Then you don’t even have to buy it. #TMH

@Albedo12 is that a chessboard in your pocket are are you just horribly deformed? #tmh

@cephalopod_gal Kris, without packaging, where do you get the cardboard boxes for AWESOME FORTS? #tmh

@Inanimatecarbon @cephalopod_gal Getting rid of packaging would be a terrible blow to an already strained AWESOME FORT industry. #TMH

@richmagahiz What if I wanted to buy a turducken? Would they have to put it inside a suckling pig first? #tmh

@robynneblume @richmagahiz As long as you want to eat suckling pig. If you want a pigturducken, though, you have to put it inside a cow. #tmh

@Nateman @robynneblume I read a story about that once. Spoiler alert: The old lady died #tmh

@RhyhornJynx #tmh What about the ‘plus size’ squirrels? Do they wear rabbit underwear?

@Kouban I owned a nesting doll, but after about a year it started collecting twigs and hair to build increasingly larger layers #tmh

@Bradleybugman @Kouban That’s true. You can actually age a nesting doll by counting the layers. #tmh

@Phrawger Better sports memory: Mom yells at an ump at my baseball game. Guess who the ump was. Hi, Dad! #tmh

@Inanimatecarbon @jplaub I feel like “Ice-Kraken” is an IP that’s got real legs. #TMH #PunOnlySortOfIntended

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SHOW 56: Bad Machinery / 59min / August 11, 2010

Kris and David stare down the promise of immortality, defer their physical pain, hear tales of machinery gone awry, and world-famous fanfic author John Allison has a rare treat for the fellas.

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Storyline: “TMH Fanfic” Part 1

@Paulius1981 Living forever would suck…especially after the sun expands and burns up the earth #TMH

@JessePB @tweethard Immortality would give me time to catch all those dang Pokemon #tmh

@ertchin @tweethard Eternity will finally give us all the time we need to make the fan tributes to “Two and a Half Men” in our hearts. #tmh

@gameking218 #tmh What if we get into the third dimension of TV? 3D and a Half Men?

@richmagahiz @tweethard 12.5 Angry Men #tmh

@exercisemeat Terrorism sounds incredibly difficult if everyone is immortal. #TMH

@robynneblume Was temporarily distracted from #tmh by the chickens coming inside from the backyard where they belong.

@thirdmike @robynneblume I think it has already been established that chickens LOVE the sound of @malki’s voice. #tmh

@thisisfalacci we used to have this car that made a weird fart-like noise intermittently, super awkward when driving with guests #tmh

@Paulius1981 My electric toothbrush once shorted …2 AA batteries seem REALLY powerful when they create a circuit with a filling #TMH

@thirdmike For weeks, when I touched the top of my laptop, it felt like it was vibrating. I looked it up and discovered I was being electrocuted. #tmh

@Sekelsky @tweetheard #tmh As a kid, my Speak-n-Spell crapped out and would ONLY say the word “spit”

@Albedo12 My iron fell out of a window and landed on gravel. It still works but the plate is scratched and is now abrasive. #tmh

@robynneblume @Albedo12 Perfect for distressing jeans! That’s something people wear these days, right? Distressed jeans? #tmh #Iamatimetraveler

@Kouban Oh god, I just conflated @cephalopod_gal and Octomom! D: #tmh #sosorryelisa

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